


Dial M for Malcolm

by RovingTiger



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom, The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-21 23:40:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2486555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RovingTiger/pseuds/RovingTiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Skyfall AU where Malcolm Tucker, freshly ousted by Fleming, is fasttracked into replacing M at MI6 and has to deal with the aftermath. Because reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Mr Tucker?"

"Hello, love, you're Eve right?"

"Yes, Eve Moneypenny. Welcome to MI6. I'll need to call you M from now on, Sir."

"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about all the Sesame Street bullshit."

"Here's your pass, I'll take you to your office. I understand you've been briefed fairly thoroughly, but once you've settled in I'll send in Q, our Quartermaster, and Commander Bond to brief you about their roles and M's..." Eve faltered a little. "Departure."

"Yeah, sorry to hear about that. The PM was pretty cut up, he was quite the admirer, despite their disagreements."

"You had clearance to know about that?"

"Well, no, but the PM's on a cocktail of meds that would put Charlie fucking Sheen to shame. He's at the point where he'll just say anything that comes into his head. Started weeping about it on a train to Doncaster the morning after it happened. Don't worry though, no-one else was in the carriage, 'cause it was going to Doncaster. And he's only going to be around for a few more months if Steve Fleming's running the show, so he's only a limited security risk." Malcolm shrugged as they clattered down the stairs, deeper into the headquarters. "And I have been discrete of course. Otherwise I doubt I'd have been given this job."

Eve held her tongue. It was unclear why the PM's communications director had been selected as M's replacement beyond convenient timing. She'd thrown around a few candidates with Q, and while she'd tipped Mallory, Q had dismissed it out of hand, and she trusted her colleague who was rumoured to have hacked the parliamentary email server within hours of starting the job.

"It's because I'm spent, if you're wondering. The PM trusts my abilities, but he doesn't trust me. But he didn't want a Tory running both branches of the security services when he goes. And I've got no kids, no wife, no family, no friends, and no past outside the party. Kinda helps in this business I gather. And if I'm in political oblivifuck now, so I'm basically anonymous. Also M getting killed put off a few of the lead contenders."

Eve turned with a raised eyebrow. "I wasn't questioning your appointment for even a moment, Sir."

"I didn't say you were."

"Glad to get that off your chest, Sir?"

"Absolutely."

They reached the office. Malcolm paced around.

"My old one was bigger." He grinned and slid open the top draw of his desk. "Can you sort out some gun training ASAP please? I'll need it if I don't want that to be a paperweight."

Eve smiled. "Already done, you're booked in on the range tomorrow at 10. I've cleared the rest of the range, so you've a little privacy while you're finding your feet."

"You are good. What's the instructor like?"

"She's very good, I'm told."

"It's you, isn't it?"

"Yes it is, Sir."

"Well, that's quite the change from Sam. Could you not call me Sir? It feels a bit fucking weird."

"Of course. Now, all the catch-up files are in that folder on your desk, your IT access details and schedule are in there as well. I'll give you a hour to flick through before I send in Q and Commander Bond." Eve smiled. "And I'll get you a coffee."

"Thanks." Malcolm sat down as Eve left, and pulled out the reading glasses he had hated using in Downing Street. Ben Swain had spotted him with them once and called him Dumbledore all day until Jamie had pinned him to a photocopier and threatened to tear his corneas out. Glancing over the personnel files in the folder he decided that old approach would be counterproductive here. Although he had no doubt that Eve was capable of tearing corneas out in an emergency.


	2. Chapter 2

Malcolm looked up as Eve coughed quietly.

"Q's here to see you sir."

"Oh great, thanks." Malcolm took off his glasses, closed his laptop and stood up to greet Q. He'd seen the personnel file, so knew what to expect, but it didn't quite communicate the bags beneath the eyes, the hesitancy or the slippers.

"Reporting for duty, M." Q flashed a wan smile as they shook hands.

Malcolm turned to walk back to his desk. I've read your file, turns out my old blackberry wasn't as secure as I had been told?"

Q had the decency to look a little guilty as he shrugged. "That's MI5 for you. I did let my counterparts  know about the vulnerability, if that helps."

"Do you still do their testing for them?"

"Only at weekends."

"Fuck me," Malcolm sighed,  " What if I set up formal tests where you try to break into each other's systems? War games, that kind of thing?"

Q  blinked. "They won't get in. They have tried before."

"Yeah, but if I formalise it you lot can still have your fun, and you don't bring down their systems as one of their cubicle-monkeys downloads some dodgy porn and suddenly you've got MI5 out for the count."

"Well, you could try. You'll have to convince them though. Both their Quartermaster and her boss tend to get quite territorial."

"Her boss being the former Tory MP, right? Mallory's chum from Charterhouse? I can sort him out. I know a few things. Although if you could dredge up whatever you got last time you hacked their emails, that'd be useful insurance."

"I'll do my best, Sir."

"OK, I'm fairly certain from your file that you know what you're doing, as long as there's no repeat of the Silva incident. Just run big stuff like that by me, maybe Tanner once he's back from compassionate leave. Curb your enthusiasm a bit, you know."

Q nodded, squirming a little. "So you're not firing me?"

Malcolm stared at Q. "Jesus Christ no! The Silva thing can be written off as extenuating services. No, you're fine. Maybe pop in tomorrow to brief me properly on the ongoing operations you're working on. Just keep on for now."

"So I'm not briefing you today then?"

"Not really, I just wanted to see what you looked like. Funny, you're both the opposite of what I expected and exactly what I expected. Maybe start wearing a shirt and tie on weekdays at least, this isn't some fucking tech startup. And I wouldn't mind a daily briefing from Q branch on your progress and the kind of stuff you find, I understand that the old M got them weekly, but I need to hit the ground running."

"Yes sir."

"Good. Off you go."

Q got up to leave.

"Oh, and if you could sort out my mobile for me. If it doesn't have at least one laser I'll resign."


	3. Chapter 3

Eve was rooting around at the bottom of a filing cabinet, looking for the Hong Kong briefings from a few years ago, although her urgency was tempered by the knowledge of Q's recent installation of "emergency confidentiality protocol measures", as he called them. She remembered his smirk at the test as he pulled the roasted chicken out of the prototype cabinet. Q branch still smelled pretty good, which was a nice change given many of Q's colleagues' aversion to sleep, showers and actually going home at weekends.

She was still looking when there was a knock on her open door. She straightened up and saw 007, leaning against the doorframe in a suit that Eve knew was way above even his considerable pay grade. She put on her most professional smile, noting the traces of exhaustion on his face and the bandaged hand.

"You find me bent over at a filing cabinet, and no comment about my arse? You're losing your touch."

Bond maintained his shark-eyed gaze, but exhaled and shrugged a little. "It's very nice?" He paused. "I didn't see the point in stating the obvious."

"Nice save." said Eve. "Don't worry, this isn't some attempt at entrapment for sexual harassment. M's in video conference with our friends in Langley. It might run over, I think M and Director Barwick have a bit of previous from that 2003 buisness." She nodded at his hand. "Bullet graze?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

Eve grinned. "You're like the other double-ohs, It's always a bullet graze. Even when I shot you."

"That's water under the bridge Eve. Although it did hurt when I hit that water." Eve's expression slipped a little, cringing at the memory.

"So," said Bond, looking to change the subject, "How's the hiatus from fieldwork going for you?"

"It's going well, and I enjoy actually knowing what's going on. And M's a quick learner. It's also easier to lie about the job to my Mum now, compared to when I'd come back from an IT conference in Litchfield with heatstroke and malaria."

Bond nodded. "That's why they get orphans for double-ohs, no need to bother..."

He was interrupted by Malcolm opening his office door. "Ah, the infamous 007. Come in. Oh, and Eve, Barwick's still a psycho, but we hammered out a deal on the Mombasa station. I've emailed through the recording for you to minute, but you'll need to let Richardson know he's being posted on Thursday with a Yank breathing down his neck, but he has my permission to lose him if anything kicks off. Cheers."

"Very good M. The Hong Kong briefing."

"Great stuff, thanks."

Malcolm closed the door behind him, and noticed that Bond looked significantly more relaxed than Q had.

"I have to say, Commander, your files were a blast," said Malcolm as he sat down, "I got Eve to get me some popcorn. You should go private sector, become a shark tank consultant, or Derren fucking Brown."

Bond shrugged. "Someone has to deal with the more outlandish missions."

"True, but whether that person is someone who took five goes to get through the psych tests and four on marksmanship might not be the best to go after Richard Branson when his pet project turns out to be a front for a orbital laser."

"Do we have intel on that?"

Malcolm blinked in surprise. "No, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. More importantly, are you ready for service?"

"I just got back from a successful mission, M."

"With a busted hand."

"Well, the time before I died, so the trend is encouraging."

"Aye, that's a good point. Although you're not exactly Peter Pan. You're only a few years younger than me."

"Orphans are harder to come by these days." Bond said. "And the recruitment programme for double-ohs was wound up  on the orders of your old boss a few years after I started."

"Yeah, well whose fault was that? Oh yeah, the double-oh who seduced the Crown Prince's wife before shooting his nephew in the foot at the grand prix. That took Julius years of toadying to patch up, and wound up costing us a two billion pound arms contract and three hundred jobs in Portsmouth."

"It was necessary for the success of mission."

"As you said in the file. Odd how many women need to be porked for you to complete your missions. God, I thought I was getting away from this shit when I left Westminster." Malcolm sighed. "I thought one of the main things about espionage was the need for discretion. Although you're right, most of the younger agents in the Section are a bit post-cold war for some of these missions. I'd recommend you start taking your Commander title as less honourific, and teach them a few tricks, maybe get them to double-oh status. Maybe you'll learn a bit off them, who knows. Also because I can hardly talk agents through missions."

Bond nodded. "Understood, M."

"Good stuff. I trust your abilities, Bond, but you're not irreplaceable and you need to remember that. I know my predecessor let you out without passing the tests. You've passed them now, so I think I can let it go, but you're not going back until your hand's fully healed. In the meantime, try not to get under anyone's toes round here."

"Thank you."

"Read up on your Mandarin, I think you might be going to Hong Kong afterwards. Because I can't help but notice, but we've still not found that hard drive?"

Bond paused, and had the good grace to look embarrassed. "It did slip our mind during the Silva incident, yes. I thought the Americans were taking that on."

"Nope, I've just spoke to their director, and the fucker thought we were still searching. The trail's gone cold, apart from some Hong Kong stuff. Here's the files. So you'd better start commanding, Commander Bond. Scratch medical leave, you need to brief the other agents in the section what you know, get Q branch on it and let me know once you've got a plan sorted."

"With pleasure, M." Bond got up to leave.

"Oh, Bond."

"Yes M."

"I notice you didn't take compassionate leave after the Silva incident. You sure you don't want any? Tack it onto the medical suspension?"

Bond paused for a second. "No. I'm good. As you said, I passed the psych tests."

Malcolm nodded. "OK. Thanks Bond."

He leaned back in the chair, lost in thought for a second. Once Bond had gone, he walked to the door.

"Eve? Could you get the PM's office on the phone?"


End file.
